if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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