I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
