Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
