I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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