hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
