I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
