It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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