alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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