I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Acid is not a monday night drug
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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