she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
