i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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