making cat noises will not fix the situation.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
