Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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