she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
