Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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