Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
