who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I am one with the molecules
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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