Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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