I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
