Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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