you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
