Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
