the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
