She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
