they said they heard you say put it in my butt
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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