yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
