my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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