You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
