I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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