I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
