its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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