My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Randomize
