our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
there is glitter all over my balls
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