as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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