got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
