Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
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