i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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