Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
