what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
