If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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