My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
