drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
