my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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