Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
