Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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