last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
