I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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