im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
