The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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