whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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