woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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