the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
