apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
