i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
