I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
