I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
