The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
